You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
