ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
