Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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