That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
