I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
