No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
