The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
