woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
