wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
