I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
