my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
