Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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