i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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