false alarm. still invincible.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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