the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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