he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
