I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
