I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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