Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
