I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
