I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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