I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
