I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
