did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
