I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
