Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
