so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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