Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
