The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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