Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
