You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
