My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
