I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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