I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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