She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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