Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
