so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
