I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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