I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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