roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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