Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
