They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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