it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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