He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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