you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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