Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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