How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
