I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
