Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
