I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
