a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
